Impromptu Hiatus

​This is an apology of sorts, for my unannounced absence last week. I worked tirelessly on a post in between trip preparation s and overtime at work, with the intention of scheduling the post Monday morning to be posted on Tuesday as planned. However, the universe had other plans for me and I have to say, I’m not all too upset about my impromptu hiatus. As luck would have it, I found myself essentially out of cellular service from early Monday morning until late Friday night; a full thirty-six hours without a cell tower in sight, with spotty, single-bar reception the rest of the trip. The disconnect was quite nice, to be perfectly frank.
While I am not sorry for the recent time I’ve spent outside of  any service area, I am sorry I wasn’t better prepared prior to my departure.  To any loyal reader, yes, but also to myself. I think sometimes I get so caught up in my emotions that I shut them put, so I can function, if for no other reason. It’s easy to give in to the numbness of apathy when emotions stand only to complicate the path from where one stands and where they strive to be, and its easy to get lost there. This is why self-care and the occasional hiatus is so crucial, even if it means ghosting everyone who knows you for a little while.

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It’s not often I write about myself. Mostly, I’m never sure what people want to know, but the weight of not knowing what I want to share overwhelms the desire to write anything personal at all. Still, it’s been a while since I’ve shared a raw moment (outside of therapy, of course) and since I am still working on a couple of profiles and other projects, now is just as good of a time as any.
               The last several months have been…heavy. Academically, I’ve enjoyed the time off from constantly worrying about papers and projects and assignments and deadlines. Geographically and spiritually, I’ve felt stunted and stagnant and stuck; it’s no secret that after I lost everything and returned to the hell that birthed me, I’ve wanted nothing more than to leave again. Rebuilding from rock bottom’s basement is not small feat, though, and it takes more than financial stability and a destination to make a successful move. After finding prospective employers and living arrangements, there’s still mental/emotional stability to consider and physical health. It takes a lot of energy to start over from the absolute scratch that you managed to stitch together after losing everything. The emotional toll alone is debilitating, and it depletes your energy reserves and can trigger or at least facilitate depressive dips. Cognitive fog settles in and makes every little task tedious and daunting to so much as begin, so of course, the idea of finishing anything seems an improbability. Life doesn’t stop, though, so no matter how sweet the afterlife sounds we keep moving until we stop breathing. For me, that sometimes means disappearing for awhile.
Now, I’m back on the grind – much of which I’d rather not, but I want the live on the other side of it all. I’m sorry if that means I have to let you down from time to time. My interests, as much as I enjoy pursuing them, can get heavy...
It’s not uncommon to encounter people that cannot wrap their head around my fascination with true crime and the occult. I find it mind boggling how my fascination with the dark corners of the human psyche is stigmatized, but it’s somehow normal to exist in blind ignorance to how common it is to know someone who has survived violent crime. Naturally, I deep dive and collect statistics and provide evidence and testimonials – and I’m labeled as pretentious, delusional. Which is intriguing, given that I’ve personally encountered abusers, murderers, and serial sex offenders, and I’ve lost friends to domestic violence, murder, and mental illness. I have friends who have survived gang violence, and some who have survived domestic violence, kidnapping, substance abuse, and mental illness. My obscure interests are not really all that unfathomable, and without such interests we would not know much of what we know about [deviant] human behaviour. Behaviour science is largely built on interviews with serial and especially violent offenders, especially some of the most prolific and notorious in history. Without the work of pioneers like Samenow, Ressler, Hare, Teten, and Mullany, who knows how many more Masons, Ramirez, Bundys, and Kempers would be roaming free entirely undetected.
To be clear, I am in no way leveling myself with the pioneers of the field. Though I have followed their work more closely than the average person might care to. The time investment it requires to build a working understanding of deviant behaviour is not for the faint of heart. The cruelty that people like them, people like me, study and analyze is not solely based in morbid curiosity, though I am sure that’s how it comes across at times. You discover a lot about yourself when you explore the darkest crevices of human depravity, and you learn a lot about the people you think you know. So many interviews show coworkers and loved ones shocked when someone they thought they knew is charged or convicted of the unthinkable. Some of whom maintain confidence that they’ve got the wrong person. Serial killers and serial rapists manage to woo and marry women they’ve charmed into believing the intricately spun webs of lies, from behind bars. As disturbing as that may sound, it's fact. In my own experience, some find ways to creating dating profiles; some have claimed to have earned internet privileges, others have asserted that they were on a contraband phone. 
We know these things happen; we know people like Bundy and Rader and Gacy exist, and yet, as a society we shame and oust people with taboo interests that we don't understand for ourselves--that we've been taught to fear. That kind of rejection can destroy someone or fuel someone, and not always in the best of ways. For me, rejection has become a necessary obstacle in my growth pattern; I allow it to inform my progress and perspective as I evolve. Which is why I allow myself the occasional vanishing act.

 
Thank you for tour patience and understanding, and, as always, thanks for reading!